spirit

Some call it an existential crisis. I call it waking up and smacking your head against ignorance of self. That's me. I've got the bruise to prove it. Wiki says an existential crisis is a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life: whether his or her life has any meaning, purpose or value.
An existential crisis may result from:

• The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
• A new-found grasp or appreciation of one's mortality;
• Believing that one's life has no purpose or external meaning;
• Awareness of one's freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom;
• An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;

Lets take it point by point. A sense of being alone and isolated in the world. I was raised in the Jehovah's Witnesses faith which by default imprints this emotional crutch into its followers and their children. That's me. Raised from the beginning to think of myself as separate from the world around me. "In this world, but not part of it." Sidestepping the 'world's' morals, ideology and fate for the path of the righteous. Although I've since separated myself from that particular social cult, that early programming has found a home in this jaded garden of my psyche.

I didn't fit in with any of the followers. I didn't fit in with any of the blood. Twice removed from any sense of family I see myself as a free agent wandering the concrete reality. I've since recognized my innate hunger for a chosen family, one of my own making. Sifting through the sands of the mundane in search for the hidden jewels of soul. This makes me feel less alone in the world. There are others like me. Not many, but enough.

Mortality. Eh. Nothing new there. I'm good with the end. It was fun and I'll see you again.

Life's Purpose. Now we are on a vein. I have a purpose. I came here for a reason. If I could only remember what it is... This is a major chord in my song. We all come from somewhere and we will all go back there when we are done. We are made of the same stuff, but infinite combinations. We come with purpose written within our personalities. My personality demands the specifics, not content just riding on whim and desire. Unfortunately that file is not accessible to the general ego. Problem is I really need that information or I'm going to go normal. We don't want that.

Freedom. To love more than one. To expand the heart beyond culturally accepted norms. To tear down old modalities and replace them with dangerous ideas of freedom, honesty and courage. To say no, I can't anymore, I don't know, I don't want this, I need x.y.z. I need l.u.v. I need to leave, I need you, I need me, I can't breath, I feel weak, I can't see. To be. To live a life seldom seen. To experience the heights of permission and the depths of rejection. To believe in the power of finding a way to stay where you call home. To cry and ask why freedom is so beneficial.

Pleasure and Pain. What a delicious cocktail. My cup over flows. In the delirium of bursting neurons lies the crutch of the addict. What moral ethic can compare to the ecstasy of sensory orchestra? What promise can stand against the tidal wave of nerve clusters and primal instinct?

The breakdown is this. Amaze makes me feel alive again. I have fallen in love with her. Amaze wants a child one day. I don't know what I want, but I do know I want to be part of Amaze's future. That brings my prime purpose into question. Am I here to be a father? Or am I fated differently and not applicable to local codes and regulations? Serius is not a mother. She's known this since a young age and that will not change. Ever. If I choose fatherhood, then I have said goodbye to her and our marriage and Yes to a future with Amaze. If I do not choose fatherhood, then I have given up on a future with Amaze and might as well start packing my bags for Michigan. So it all revolves around ignorance of self. To be or not to be. To exercise my freedom to choose or to follow where I am summoned. So yes, its a bit of an existential crisis. To find myself or live out a life someone decides for me. Either way I go I've already lost.

On your mark.
Get set.
Cry.

Fuck this hurts!

nothing is worth loosing that

I met a man today who wasn't really a man. He looked like a man and bled like a man, but inside he was a stranger. A traveler who had fooled Gaia into believing he would behave. I know these things because I spoke with him. If you ever chance to meet him, you'll know it too. He sat alone in the comfy chair in the corner of a coffee house by a river. He had no book or notepad to occupy him. He had no far off look in his eye suggesting wonderment. He just sat there with his cup in his hands quietly and politely observing humanity. I can't tell you why I decided to go and sit next to him. Its not my nature to intrude uninvited, yet I felt as if a magnet had a firm hold on me and there was only one direction.

As I walked towards him he regarded me as if I were an old friend who had just gotten up a moment ago to refill his cup. When I sat his eyes began to burn with curiosity like a child watching his favorite movie for the first time. He made no movements save for his grey eyes. After a moment he lifted his cup and took a sip, savored it, and swallowed. I did likewise. The chills ran up my back and sat on top of my head. They stayed there for a moment before running back down and across the floor to find someone else to shiver. I looked at him with a question in my mouth but without words to ask.

He said "My calm center left me today. It packed its bags and ran for the hills. I'm not sure how long I can bear its absence before I fail. Mother and Father will be disappointed, but I know somehow this time is different. There will be no substitutions or tap outs. No do-overs as you say. I sit here on the precipice with two paths before me. One of creation through destruction, one of destruction through creation. To choose one is to forfeit the other. To choose neither is still a choice. Some-when elsewhere I am just beginning, and another I have already completed. Before I arrived here I knew of these places and times, but now they are hidden by the bog mist of flesh that clutches about me. There are few exit ramps that lead away from this realm and I fear I have missed the last train before Gaia chooses a new child. Perhaps the bees will learn faster, but to be brutally honest, you were my favorite. The bare knuckle insanity to hold both life and death at once is a rare sight in creation. The blind ignorance to all the clues growing around you, and yet you still find your way through the darkness by lighting your own brother afire. The ironic dichotomy between genius and stupidity when one hand holds the other hand back from healing both. Cult classic.

I am a long way from home and I have not seen my kind for 3 lengths of your life. I may never again. I often wonder why they sent me to observe you knowing my tendency to meddle and my love for the sordid. I've considered that it is a test. Perhaps if I redeem you, I myself would receive redemption. Sadly I am too old to believe in redemption or forgiveness. However I do enjoy your bit about atheists in foxholes. That always gets me smiling. "

you can always change your mind

Serius kicked me out of the house last night so she could concentrate on her project. So I went to an all ages dubstep dance party with my poly friend Carnita. The grittiness of the club brought back memories of the entertainment complex in BRLA. The thick aroma of dirty sweaty neohippies made me think of Dune and the sandworms.  The kid slingin pills outside the bathroom. The pool table with no sticks. The outrageous drink prices. Inebriated teenagers twirling glow sticks on shoe strings. Puffs of sandalwood. Smoke machines that sets off fire alarms. Cops and CPS.  Humping, grinding and speaker fucking. Asshats, drama queens, frenemies and coma furniture. It was all there. Most frighteningly I may have been the most sober person in attendance, bartenders included. I had anticipated the problem of poor drink options so I brought a small amount of moonshine. Aside from the spirits, cranberry juice fueled my gyrations. At first the presence of the children was unnerving. Later I realized that kids will dance to anything and have megawatts of energy to give away. So I raised shields, set filters, tuned in the aperture and let go.  I had almost forgotten how easy it is. Like learning to fall. I rode the wave and dodged the reefs. 3 hours later it was time to go. We said our goodbyes and relocated to the back porch of Carnita's domicile.


We sat at the table discussing a plethora of topics one leading into another. Balancing anticipation and disappointment, complex emotions that have no name yet, the table of element personality types, how a soul travels through space-time, how to rewire the ego, violent fantasies, the cost of friendship/tutorship, the importance/hindrance of rules, the necessity of suffering. Nothing too serious. Just the meat n potatoes. Its funny how personal problems and experiences take on a new light when shared with others. Insight unfolds like an origami dragon. I drove home at 5am replaying the evening in my head. I set the cruise control for the speed limit and set the external heartbeat to 145 bpm. I wondered when/if Amaze would call after her family reunion ended. I wondered what direction the friendship with Carnita would take now with wind in the sails. I wondered if my mother was enjoying her honeymoon with her new husband. I thought about my unfinished projects and the messy yard. I considered the unpaid speeding ticket that will soon earn me a warrant unless taken care of. Then I was home. I washed off the day and rubbed one out = asleep > 10 minutes. I would also like to take this moment and thank who ever visited me in the dreamscape this morning with lustful intentions ;D That was a delightful way to awaken.


cheers

Introductions

Hello. I'm doing well, how are you? I'm pleased to hear you say that. Oh you know, the usual. A lot of work, a little play, and enough smoke to tranq a moose. Yea probably a little too much but it keeps the prick at bay. Well, just like anyone I have different sides. Sometimes I'm a very helpful citizen; sometimes I can be an ass. Luckily I've found medicine that tempers the aggressive testosterone and helps me behave. Yes I realize that I'm carrying around a crutch, but do you realize that a crutch can also be used as a weapon? Its lightweight and has multiple handles so lets change the subject before I accidentally unfriend you o.O

Hmm, I know lets talk about politics! That always gets people frustrated with one another. You know taboo is my middle name. Yes... it is. Ok fine, no politics. Nobody worth voting for anyway. Your the one who wanted to drop the politics. Ok. Fine.

Love? Well, love is complicated. Funny you should mention it, I'm listening to Amy Winehouse for the first time and she says 'love is a loosing hand'. I don't recall if I've told you my wife and I are polyamorous. Its latin for many loves. No we are not swingers. The difference is that swingers have a stereotype of being only concerned with multiple sex partners whereas polyamory suggests real lasting relationships that are based on love. No its not illegal unless you try to legally marry more than one person and even then some states put up with it. Well, because one person can't be everyone. Ever heard the expression 'too much of a good thing'? Of course it applies! Look, whats the most common cause of divorce? No, its not the cheating itself. It is the inability to forgive the indiscretion. No I am not saying that cheating on your spouse is ok. I'm saying that we as a society have imposed rules and conditioning on ourselves that does not always make sense. You have a right to choose monogamy, just as I have a right to choose something else. How often do YOU quit something just because its confusing? Yea, that time with the glove was really confusing but that's the exception to the rule. Well, threesomes are known to happen, but we as a couple have not met the right person. We're picky. Just because its an open relationship doesn't mean I try to fuck every woman I meet. She's not interested in other guys so tough shit sherlock! She's with me because I'm one of the few men she likes. Because most guys are kinda like you who don't put a lot of fact checking into their own thoughts before the brain abortion is excreted through their mouth. I warned you about the prick. She actually finds my ability to say inappropriate things very amusing as long as I don't embarrass her around professional colleges. If you consider the fact that similarly I like her dark jokes involving stuffing small children into a crockpot and serving it for dinner I would not be surprised by your conclusion. 

Yes getting back to the love topic. Well like I said, we're picky. The kind of picky that have very peculiar beliefs and practices that often freak people out. Remember the crockpot baby? Currently I only have one other relationship. No, not her. We are still close friends, but unfortunately I don't feel as strongly for her as she does for me. Whats the problem? Its a problem because I don't waste my limited free time with someone I only kinda like. Yes we were getting along very well that night at the bywater, but I've come to realize she does not have the aggressiveness and constitution I need. Yes well, we all act a little differently after the 3rd drink. How could I forget the citrus trebuchet! OK I'll start from the beginning. Well I could start with the middle but you'd get confused and want to quit o.O 

I was helping my friend, yes the one from the bywater, with her upcoming belly dance show. We were at the Armory making the moon backdrop and this beautiful dark my size woman comes out to talk with us. She and my friend, yes its getting confusing. My friend's name is Lone. The beautiful dark my size woman is Amaze. So, Amaze came out to say hello. I learned that she is a cook that works using the armory's kitchen. So I asked if there was any food available for my current hunger situation. She quickly returned with a delicious chicken spinach wrap that was utterly rejuvenating. She refused payment for services rendered and mentioned she will be serving food at the event for which we were preparing. I noticed that I was now intensely anticipating the event when before I was attending out of friendly requirement. 2 days pass. My wife Serius had a drinking date with co workers and was probably not going to make it. Open season? Can you explain everything through hunting lingo? Don't answer that. Anyway, I was not expecting the chemistry that reacted between Amaze and I. In between helping Lone with her set list, setting up chairs, tables, and generally being helpful Amaze and I kept gravitating towards each other and bathed in the other's presence. During the show we sat on the floor next to each other and made commentary. She would often have to run off and direct her 'kids' what to do in preparation of the food. At first the thought of her having children was a deal breaker, but she quickly redefined her 'kids' as her student cooks. As the show went on Lone quickly noticed the amount of time I was spending with Amaze and get a worried look on her face. After the show Amaze and I politely bowed out of after party obligations and went for a drink just the two of us. The electricity in the air between us had been building all evening and had changed color a few times, namely when I mentioned I was married. Now at the bar the balance was getting fragile, tipping back and forth between romantic interest and new awesome friend. Just in time, my wife Serius called me and I stepped outside to talk. I told her what was going on and she wished me luck. Yup, just like that. Amaze was a little concerned when I got back in that I could be in trouble with the Mrs which led perfectly into explaining my unique relationship possibilities, which led perfectly into me asking about her romantics, then the giddy hand holding and finally the vicious make out and biting in the truck. Biting. HOMMMMM MMMY DEITY! Pretty sure I had teeth marks when I got home. 

Yup, it was hot. No, it's not an official relationship because she's currently in a state of self resubconstruction. It means she realized she has some issues to work through before getting comfortable with someone new. Also Serius hasn't authorized full contact sports yet. Well, because there are rules and considerations. Different people have different rules with open relationships. Some say anything goes, some say lets decide together who to bring into the inner circle. Yup, we each have veto power for each other's lovers. I'm not that worried about Serius vetoing anyone. If I REALLY like someone, chances are she will too. She doesn't have to be best buds, just agree that the new relationship is a good match. She hasn't yet because she has been insanely busy with her book and preparing for DragonCon. I didn't mention she's an author? Yea she's got excellent diction ;)

Lone did not take well to the news of my severe interest in Amaze. This is when I learned of the depth of her fondness for me. I attempted to explain why and how and console, but I bet I sounded like an ass.  We are still friends, but the exchange is very different now. Lone is also going through some resubconstruction, but a little less enthusiastically than Amaze. Them's the breaks. I still don't know if it will even work between Amaze and I. She is a very active individual sprinting from work to hobby to socializing to event planning. Always something going and I wonder how much room there is for me. She has recently discovered a reoccurring habit of finding herself as the 3rd wheel. As much as she enjoys our time together, she can't ignore the hunger for a primary. I can't pretend that I could be her primary. "Let's just enjoy ourselves for now." So that's love. 

In the beginning

... and then I was here. Its a good enough place to start.